THE REAL POKEMON NEWS
THE DITTO SECRET SEX TRADE

   The notion of using the Pokemon Ditto as an odd sexual servant has been around since mankind first domesticated Pokemon in prehistoric times. Using its Transform attack, Ditto can take the form of anything. The better trained the Ditto is, the more complete its transformation will be. Especially great Ditto trainers can turn out creatures that are worth more than gold or oil to some people.

   “My Ditto can make a complete transformation into Megan Fox,” said Kenny George who lives with his Ditto on a dirt farm in Idaho, “get it? Because she was in Transformers and she’s hot?”

   The Internet made obtaining a Ditto easier for people across the globe. The upsurge has caused a slew of legal issues. For one, celebrities such as Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian are concerned about the use of their faces and bodies for unsavory purposes. A representative for Kardashian implied that they were going to file suit against a man who runs a porn site dedicated to using his Ditto to replicate nude celebrities.

   “It’s Freedom of Speech, man,” defended Johnny Satanic, 23, of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, “I make no claims that the models are the celebrities that they look like. I make it clear that it is a Ditto that they are looking at.”

   Another issue of the Ditto sex trade comes from Pokephiles who believe that, since they can legally have intercourse with certain Pokemon including Ditto, Mr. Mime, and Jynx, they should have the right to marry them as well.

   Earlier this year, the Supreme Court outlawed human-Pokemon marriage citing that most Pokemon are not of a proper cognitive level to fully understand the contract of marriage and, therefore, cannot legally consent to it. This is a problem to Eli Hargrove, the leader of the Rights of Pokemon Committee (ROPC).

   “If they can’t consent to marriage, how can they consent to sex?,” Hargrove questions.

   He now sponsors a bill that would outlaw sex with Pokemon altogether. Even he admits that it would be hard to enforce.

   “We don’t know what happens to Pokemon behind closed doors. They can’t tell us what’s happening. Very few of them can master human speech,” he says.

   It would also be very ineffective against the Ditto secret sex trade because the buying and selling of Pokemon would remain legal. As long as Dittos can be bought and sold, a certain percentage of people will use them for sex.

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